Out Of Order but Under Construction

Oh boy where do I start…

I remember the exact day when I started this blog (Disclaimer: You may need Google Translate), and I told myself that it was going to be about expressing myself and my lifestyle, as in my life in the States, the traveling, the first impressions, and share my journey with my friends and family in far away countries. Little did I know that the real journey was going to be within me.

A positive- and joyful-self used to write everyday and post at least once a week. I can tell by my voice that I was still alive; lately it has been a forced monthly post, and little to no writing at all.
And for people that surrounds me, work with me, or meet me, would probably think that I am the best actress on this planet to not show the emotional hell I have gone through, and I don’t blame you at all because I have chronically developed the expertise to not show feelings publicly. I can literally have been crying an all nighter and have a perfect smile on the day after, and you would never have the slightest suspicion. That’s just the way it is.

The struggle has always been within me and with that, the solutions as well, and this is how it starts. I’ve realized within this time that I am very self-destructive in many ways, and that has been very scary, but writing has always been my antidote.

The separation with my ex really sucked out the smallest amount of energy of beginning to detangle my feelings and delayed the process of finding the roots of my issues.
Let’s just add the small component of being completely alone (by choice) in a foreign country, and having pushed away my rock (my mom) and caused “the worst pain a mother could ever feel.” It has simply been heart wrenching and sometimes I don’t even know how I haven’t hit the fan yet (or have I?).

Now, this post is not to get stuck on the negative, it is mainly to update myself of the timeline of my journey to build myself up again. I’ve decided to choose positive. I’ve decided to pick and dig in every corner of my heart and understand where my sadness was created. I am definitely not going to blame it all on my relationship because I was in it 50/50, and could’ve taken actions a millions of times but decided to just go along with it, just as filling a balloon with air until it blew up in my face. But I have came to the realization that there has to be something in me that was wrong from the beginning. Why has it been so hard to be resilient this time?

I have been through a day-by-day mechanism with no guideline or purpose. Endless partying? Fitness? Food? Friends? I tried so hard to be happy every single second, filling all my spare time with something to do. Result: A reckless behavior and an infinite number of stories (like, “omg, no you did not!” kind of stories) I do not regret anything of course. I strongly believe that in the larger picture, it will all make sense at some point. I’ve just now realized that all I needed to do was to stop, pause and breathe. I have drunk dialed my ex and cried for both mine and his redemption. I’ve drunk dialed my mother and cried about heavy heavy emotional baggage that she had to repeat to me the day after because I completely blacked out and did not remember a word I told her. In the end I think it was a scream for help…

So exactly 7 months ago, from the peak of it all when it officially ended with me moving out, I have come to pause. And I told myself that I was giving myself a year of self-exploration because I could feel it in me that this one was going to be a lot more difficult than the first serious break-up. When the vision of how you will look on your wedding day and the faces of your kids vanish, that is when shit really gets rough to accept. And I am not talking about the clock ticking at all, I am not even concerned about time, I am more concerned about the love that I choose to allocate to wrong people. But still so, at the end of the day, I am so proud of myself for not being afraid to love again. I am trying my best to not be shielded because of past experiences. I deserve to receive what I put out. And that’s just how it will be.

Okay, so what made me pause? Well, I am very observant without you even knowing. I listen to every word that comes out of your mouth and lock it in my short or long term memory depending on its importance. And I love to hear other people’s unrequested perception of me. Sometimes it feels like I am getting created as a SIMS character both physically and personality-wise right in front of my eyes. Most of the times I don’t see at all what other people see in me, but that’s another story. But then there is that one random person that you never think would make you pause and think about it for days.

1. “I could be wrong, but I do think that you need constant approval, and with that you constantly try to please people and try to reach goals just to reach them and loosing yourself in the process.”

The person that told me this does not even know me longer than a year. And maybe he did not need to because he has experienced it with certain people in his family and maybe just recognized certain traits in me, but he is completely right. I remember sitting on the top of the world when I was doing things for myself. I competed nationally in gymnastics, cheerleading, and dance for about 6 years straight when I was younger, and even if family and friends came to see me now and then, I always did it for myself. That is probably the only time in my life I have felt strong and worthy in every aspect. After that I have most likely lost myself in trying to please my family, boyfriends, or mere societal accomplishments. But in the big picture, whether the driving force is to please others, I think I have successfully completed the tasks, for what it’s worth.
This is definitely something I need to work on. Accomplish things because it makes me happy and get that driving force of praise and approval first and foremost from myself and not others.

2. “Why are you so negative?”

That one made me cry right after the phone call said click. I asked for that to be explained and in examples. And again, this person was also right. Now, this outside perception comes hand in hand with the first one. Being constantly immersed in negative responses or negative energy, does that to you. Now, this one does not only come from my relationship either. There are definitely some family members that has that “but let’s consider the worst scenario first” in an attempt of take decisions with precaution. And there is also that grandma that could probably turn up her gratitude a notch and not always ask for even better things all the time. So yes, I have been lost in negativity for a while, but I am working on being positive, and kind. I really am.

And then comes Kimberly Snyder and her new book’s release. It couldn’t have came in a better time in my life. I have her first and second book, so I didn’t even hesitate clicking on “Pre-order” when I went on Amazon to look for it. I had no idea that it was going to be a more spiritual book, but like I said, it could not have came in a better moment in my life.

Sometimes I feel like an Emotioholic going to Emotioholic Anonymous meetings, counting days of not breaking down. Sure, I have bad days and good days, but this week and weekend has been pretty good. I felt high on life today starting my day reading another chapter of “The Beauty Detox Power,”  going to the gym and trying a more Kimberly Snyder approach to the work-out, talking to my parents for an hour, going for an hour massage, and now coming back home to write.

To be continued…


Miss Natalia Silva

Chilean-Swedish Lifestyle Blogger in San Diego

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